It’s so easy to get disillusioned with life and give in to feeling down and out when you’re bankrupt. I try to stay positive and be constructive with the things I’m learning about myself but there are some days when you just want to wallow in it. I could so easily go that way today.
My job application was rejected. It only took four days for it to be rejected which suggests that I was eliminated in the first round. I’m going to ring up today and see whether I can get some feedback but I know I’ll get the standard response: “The quality of applicants was extremely high and based on the selection criteria you just missed out.” I know it, because I’ve given that response a million times myself.
Bugger!
I could so easily get back under the doona today and sink into a lowdown, slow-burn, all day funk. Luckily, I have to go to work and be productive. If I wasn’t working for my Dad I’d probably call in sick.
I’ve had some dark days though. Three years ago I got quite unwell. I wasn’t sleeping and would stay up all night just randomly Googling and watching YouTube clips. I remember I watched a whole movie in three minute clips, it was “Say Anything” with John Cusack; I replayed the final kissing scene about 50 billion times. I just couldn’t sleep, I was so anxious. During the day I would avoid people, I didn’t want to speak with anyone, which wasn’t great for business. I stopped showering, I didn’t even get out of bed on the weekend, I’d just lie around in the same clothes day after day watching crap TV and eating bad food. No one had any idea how bad I was - I just wanted to hurry up and die. I think the lowest point was when I locked the doors and stopped answering the phone at work. I knew that I was putting everything at risk if I didn’t get my act together but I think I also knew that my business was going down the gurgler anyway and I didn’t know what to do next.
So I went to my GP and got some medication, and I rang Lifeline and spoke with a Counselor. The Counselor asked me to consider what might happen if the business failed. It’s funny to think back now because I firmly responded that my life would be over if that happened. I truly believed that failing was not an option and that somehow my life would come to an end if it did. It’s frightening to think how powerfully I believed that. My perception of the situation was so warped. When I confided in people they would say to me: “But you are not the business, you are a person.” But I really couldn’t distinguish myself as separate; the failure of the business meant the end of me. I still can’t quite fathom how I am still here – and flourishing!
I’ve been scouring the internet and also the enormous library I have at my disposal (gotta love being a post-grad research student!) and I cannot find much about the link between mental health and bankruptcy. Anecdotally, I know that financial hardship can be both a stressor and a symptom of mental health problems. Personally, I think that business failure is incredibly stressful; who knew there were so many shades of guilt, remorse, anger and despair?
If you are experiencing any of the above: talk to someone – anyone at all. Contact Lifeline or see your GP. And please trust me, you will, at the very least, survive this. I did.
No comments:
Post a Comment