The Girl tunes in, turns on and drops out

Something has happened to me. I'm just not the same any more. I feel like bankruptcy has freed me from the overwhelming need to succeed.

Giving up on money makes you see other things that exist in the world. Like really good friends, who's opinion you respect, and who do you the honour of asking for your own. Children who raise their arms to be picked up and cling to you like a baby monkey. Being outside in the moonlight and feeling completely safe. Belonging in a group of people.

Money can't buy those things as an authentic experience. If you do experience these things, it is not because you have money. It's because you are living in a community that values these things. You value these things, because you know they are where the real highs exist. Better than the high of taking possession of a new car. Better than the best hair day or the rush of recognition for expensive shoes. Less taxing than ecstasy and infinitely more rewarding. It's the slow burning sense that the people you need are with you, and these people also need you.

So many of my friends are living in luxury that has been destroyed by abject consumption. Upgradable cars, disposable appliances, seasonal accessories, packaging, packaging, packaging. Food becomes waste if it goes cold. Leftovers go bad in the fridge. We are the Live Aid generation. We, of all people know, that there are people without enough food in Africa and that there are women selling sex, all over the world, to feed and educate their children. We don't value our luxury, we revel in it. We sit back on our smug backsides and congratulate ourselves because we have a big screen TV to get the full benefit of HD in the fight scenes of Game of Thrones.

I often think about the movie, The Matrix. Disengaging that plug on the back of Neo's head wasn't fantasy. It was a metaphor for our addiction to titillation fed by the mainstream media. I haven't watched commercial television for a long time now. I tend to get my news from the Guardian Online, or Russell Brand's Trews. There are many people out there who have chosen the red pill and are disengaging.

Declaring bankruptcy was frightening because it meant abandoning my status and admitting defeat. I was a DNF in the rat race. But now that I've lost sight of the lead group, I'm not even bothering to move in the same direction any more. I'm finding another path.

And she lived happily ever after...?

One thing is for sure. From this point forward, I will be happier. Losing your wealth is the only way to begin to understand how people who have never had it feel. I felt locked out of mainstream culture by my financial situation and yet forced to observe and covet it. If you can figure out how to feel happy under those circumstances then you've got it made.

I'm not saying that when I feel down or stressed about money I'll force a stoic smile because there's always someone worse off than me. When you are locked out of one strata of society, you tend to seek your own. Or you just keep bumping into them. I've only met two other bankrupts over the past four years but I've met plenty of people who have been sucked out to sea by the debt undertow. They are just able to keep their head above water but the constant paddling to maintain their status is exhausting. I aspire to be one of those people who are content to live within their means and reject the prevailing culture of compulsive over-consumption.

I'm also not saying that people who suffer financial hardship end up happier. Some people never recover. For some people it takes a very long, very stressful time. I am sincerely grateful to have made it through to this point.

I now know I have everything I need to be content. I have also consciously removed from my life anything that feeds my discontent. Things like commercial TV, shopping malls, catalogues, and (the worst!) glossy magazines. Once I did that, I could think clearly and suddenly it seemed ridiculous to have. So. Much. CRAP! Our obsession with everything being new, fresh out of the pack, to have the latest, greatest thing that everyone else has, is, quite frankly, spooky and completely unsustainable. Because, meanwhile, the rest of the world can't get enough to eat.

I had to take a really big fall in order to discover the lofty heights of my privilege. I have never been so aware of my easy access to education, my functional family, my health and, ironically, my wealth. I look back over this blog and I think sometimes I sound like a spoilt child, whining because I've had my Facebook account suspended. Or a narcissistic wanker. Definitely one of those two.

So, that's my philosophical stance on the whole kebab. Update on my factual life: Graduated with a Masters degree this month. Very proud of my research and final thesis, which I hope to build upon and perhaps achieve a doctorate in a few years time (I'm assuming it's like childbirth and my memory of the pain of academic writing shall pass).

The business recently won an award! Can't really elaborate without blowing my cover but, trust me, it was awesome.

Crashed my car but my parents have bought a new one so I will have the  slightly less new company car to drive. Awkward: this is one of those teenager/wanker moments. In the spirit of full disclosure I have to tell you that I also had a week in the UK with all expenses paid to attend a conference. OK, let's move on, shall we?

Still living with mum and dad and, new development, my sister moved in a couple of doors down so I can indulge in baby squishing morning and night if I want (I'd really like to get a study up on the efficacy of this practice as a treatment for depression).

Savings toward country house now standing at $15,945. I have seriously never saved this much money in my life. Definitely helped that the money is automatically paid into an account that I can't access. Small challenge: the government has ceased support for the First Home  Buyers account. This means that July next year the funds will be available for withdrawal. I'm coming up with some strategies now for dealing with this because the last thing I want to do is start eating away at it without thinking carefully. I think I'll put it in a term deposit and try to earn some interest on it. Keep you posted on that one (I need accountability).

In other news, the Girl has met a boy. So, I finally got to answer the question: How the hell do you tell someone you're dating that you are bankrupt? The answers really obvious! Don't start dating them until they are a good enough friend that you tell them without even thinking about it. I can't even remember telling this bloke. I kind of assumed he knew somehow. All I remember saying is: "I've told you about my bankruptcy, haven't I?" And he answered, "Yeah, I think so." I like him a lot.

Oh and I completely forgot to mention that I welcomed my 40th birthday with open arms followed by two sessions of therapy and a course of anti-anxiety medication. Forty-one was a doddle by comparison and it looks like my life will be kicking off one more time at 42. Your mental health is a serious issue and really important to maintain while you go through something like this. If you start to feel overwhelmed by your problems with money you should get help straight away. Medication isn't for everyone, but it has always worked for me. Go to your GP for confidential advice. You may be eligible for free counseling. Counseling is fantastic, by the way - who doesn't love talking about themselves to someone who seems interested? Even just saying things out loud provides some clarity and perspective. Sometimes you need to literally hear your own thoughts to realise how irrational your thinking has become.

As always, the future still holds lots of questions. Will I ever get my credit rating back? How will my history affect my career? Will I ever grow up and leave home? I promise to revisit and keep you posted if anything comes up but this seems like a good point to insert a sunset, a long kiss from a spunky bloke and an uplifting theme song. After all, a happy ending is only a happy ending because that's where they stopped the story. I propose that the existence of the sequel indicates that a person can have more than one happy ending in their lifetime.

In the meantime, feel free to ask me anything you want to know about the bankruptcy process, either in the comments or via email. Anonymity assured.

Free at last!

I couldn't let another day go by without emitting a cyber scream, " I'M FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!"

What does this mean? What will happen next? I DON'T KNOW! But I'll keep you posted…

Last night I had dinner with my whole family and we raised a glass to my new status. I got quite emotional even though I didn't think I would. I'm still a bit scared but I'm hoping that as time goes by this whole saga will become just another historical event, like breaking up or being made redundant. It has changed me forever but I think I like myself better for it.

Quick update on some of my goals so far:

Masters nearly finished but I've extended for one more semester to allow for crazy workload (see below)

Savings for my country house now at $7967.86

Five day fortieth birthday festival with extended family at beautiful country estate booked and paid for - bring it on!!!

So why am I here typing at 1.30am instead of sleeping the sleep of the discharged? Because I have been crazy working my until-now bankrupt arse off getting ready for an external audit by a certification body that will escalate my Dad's business into infinity and beyond! Well, hopefully more like light the ignition for a long slow burn to success. I could be delusional but I'm convinced that the last three years have forced me to focus and use everything I've learned to help my Dad build a business model that will be really successful. My dream of being Telstra Australian Businesswoman of the Year is still alive and well and I won't let anyone tell me otherwise. I mean, why not? I checked the eligibility criteria and they don't say anything about discharged bankrupts being ineligible.

I'm going to do it. And when I do, I'm going to tell everyone that I was bankrupt once and I survived and prospered.

As I said, I'll keep you posted...

My first income statement

Well, hello! Long time no blog but, as you can see, I'm still here!

I had another one of those days when the Big B shoved it's nose into my business once again. (Did I tell you about the time that I sent an email from my personal Gmail account to an acquaintance on my professional network and for some reason my mail server decided to use my GirlBankrupted account? Eeek! I try not to think about it…) However, I digress, because what I wanted to tell you about was my income declaration. 

A form arrived in the mail asking me to declare my income for the past two years. Nothing too scary, just a copy of my last two payslips, tax returns etc. I had to provide information about my employer, which happens to be my parents. My income for the period was so damn low that I am a little nervous they are going to want to come in and audit us to see if I am laundering my lifestyle through the family business. Not only that, I now have nearly $8,000 saved in my First Home Buyers account and, even though the Trustee assured me that anything I saved after declaring Bankruptcy is mine to keep, I live in fear they will take it away. Maybe a little irrational but being bankrupt makes me feel like everything I do is somehow reprehensible. (Just in case you're wondering, I've saved that $8,000 by direct debiting $60 per week for nearly three years.)

So I was pretty clear in my own mind on the evidence I needed to collect and I filled the form out straight away and put it in my in-tray to complete at some later date prior to 4 April 2013.

I suddenly remembered it yesterday and, in breathless panic, dug it out of my in-tray and there on the first page it states "failure to provide income declaration will result in 6-months prison" or something equally as sphincter shrivelling. I rang the information line and affected my perkiest demeanour to ask for an extension. The kind person on the other end sent an email to the relevant department and about half an hour later I received an email with the following message:

"In regards to the return of your Statement of Income, generally, extensions are not granted. At the latest, please submit the documents by 29 April 2013"

Phew! Imagine making it this close to discharge and ending up in gaol because I can't organise my paperwork!!! Honestly, it's times like this that I think I deserve to be bankrupt. What a fool!

MyBudget on insolvency...

I've spoken before about MyBudget and how they have helped me to manage my finances since going bankrupt. Their blog this month seems pertinent so I thought I would repost it here...

Shop til you drop - or go bankrupt.

One good thing that has emerged out of all of this is my complete aversion to shopping. I can't stand the thought of wasting money on things I don't really need and I've learnt to be highly discriminatory about what I do need. Ikea gives me the heebie jeebies - all those products literally piled up makes me feel like I'm drowning in the landfill of tomorrow. Even Bunnings and Officeworks, with their warehouse approach to retailing just confuses me and I end up becoming overwhelmed by anxiety and leaving without buying anything because I keep picking up things that I didn't go there to buy! 

In the same way some people will only adopt a pet from an animal shelter, I actually prefer to acquire goods second-hand and nothing gives me greater pleasure than finding another home for the things that I don't need any more. And I'm obviously not the only one. There is actually quite a large movement against unsustainable consumption and people are organising themselves to resist the lure of marketing and create a new world order.

Freecycle is similar to craigslist, gumtree or trading post, except that every thing on Freecycle is, well, free. I've been using this for a while in my local area and so far I've managed to get rid of stuff that has been in storage for years and has no real economic or even sentimental value. I would have to pay to put it on ebay and probably not get any hits at all. Freecycle uses Yahoo groups, there are clear rules, the moderators are very good, so the system remains really simple - and it works. I love the fact that most of this stuff would have ended up in landfill through hard rubbish collections meanwhile the recipients would have been purchasing a brand new cheap import that only had a limited life and then also ended up in landfill.

Buy Nothing Day started as a protest against the crazy post-thanksgiving sales in America (similar to our Boxing Day sales) and has grown and been absorbed into the Occupy movement. The latest development is OccupyXmas which promotes the celebration of the Christmas tradition without conspicuous consumption. I really like the activities they promote for the day like the Zombie Walk and Whirly Marts.

The Compact was started by a group of ten friends in San Francisco who pledged not to buy anything new for a whole year This movement is quite popular with people adopting the rules of play for a full 12 months or just a month or a week. You can find lots of blogs of people's experiences weaning themselves off their shopping addiction.

It really is amazing how your perception of your previous behaviour changes when you stop shopping for the sake of shopping and start focussing on doing or creating. Many would relate to my previous behaviour of buying something off the rack on a "spree" along with a number of other items and then never actually wearing it. You keep it in your cupboard for years and yet pass over it every morning and complain that you have nothing to wear. These days, if I buy it new, I buy one item at a time and I try to lay-by when I can. It stretches out the anticipation of owning it and I can keep going back and making sure I really want it before I actually get it home. Research has shown that excessive consumption is fuelled by consumer "desire" not by the actual products being purchased. We all know that feeling when you're shopping and you see something nice, you imagine wearing or using it for the first time; it's exciting. Three months (or less) after purchase,  the feeling is gone. I'm trying to prolong the anticipation by buying things that cost more, last longer and are more versatile so I can create new applications for it and keep the romance.

I guess all of this helps to deal with my current financial crisis but I'm beginning to suspect that we will all start to reduce our consumption in the future. I don't  think I'll ever go back to shopping the way I did before, it's weird how it seems slightly obscene now.

On the home stretch now...

So, here we are. I have less than a year to go. It's so strange how I just forget sometimes but it still pains me when I remember that I am bankrupt. The other day, I was seriously considering a voluntary position on the board of a non-profit organisation and then I suddenly realised that it wouldn't be a good idea. My presence on that board could jeopardise the whole organisation. If they didn't have a policy regarding "fit and proper persons" for their board members, I would be exposing them to risk just through association with me.

On a happier note, I've saved nearly $5000 dollars toward a deposit on a house. By this time next year I will have doubled that which means I only have another 97 years to go and I might be able to buy a small flat in Dumbleyung. 

Although with inflation, that's probably a little unrealistic.